Monthly Archives: June 2014

What is Rii?

What is Rii?
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This post will mainly be about what Rii (pronounced “rye”) is and where it’s going. Who knows how long this read will get, but I dislike proof reading so let’s hope I keep it structured!
 Let us start with the basics. Crohn’s disease has kept me from being able to keep a normal job, keeping myself motivated and healthy while dealing with this body is the hardest challenge I have ever faced.  Well beyond my comprehension could have grasped, when I had a more average health and life. The medications I am on, along with the symptoms of my aliment are insane. I make the best of this life and don’t regret it, but some aspects are still hard to swallow. Just like my pills, at first it’s ridiculous to swallow even one horse sized pill but now I can take 23 pills at once, with my saliva. So there is a gross metaphor for you.
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I am a very motivated person and in an employment situation I am just as motived. Not only to push myself and my skills but to become the best employee I can be. Mix that routine devotion and stress with a body that cannot physically handle either is a recipe for ending in disaster, failure, and the hospital. I can change a lot of things about myself, but becoming a drone or doing the bare minimum to get by is not a trait I ever plan on working on. No matter how “understanding” a boss can be. I cannot myself, morally call in and say “Hey boss, I’m shitting up to 50 times a day for the next 4 years, I pass out a few times a day from blood loss and need to sleep for 3-4 days some times. Also that screaming in pain I sometimes do, yea just ignore that. Hope you don’t mind I’m weak, fragile, can’t handle stress and sometimes will spend 8 hours in the bathroom. So I should be in to work sometime within the next 1-7 years. Oh and don’t forget my hair still falls out, my body degrades, insomnia is just as prevalent as exhaustion. The mood swings, Rheumatoid arthritis, Osteoporosis along with that Celiac diet will still be there! We can look forward to some new adventures like; blindness, diabetes, multiple cancers, liver failure, or that annoying little in convince where you die. Are the shipments in order and ready to go out?”
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That may seem like a giant rant or pouring of feelings but I can say, and did just type that with a straight face and a few laughs. If I was healthy I would pick death rather than accept that as my future, but my life is fucking amazing and not just amazing with a superficial smile on my face, but one coming from my heart and soul. You may feel empathy or sadness when hearing a situation like mine, but sometimes shit goes so terribly wrong and ventures so far off the original plan, you just have to laugh. The situation is like I tried driving to the corner store and ended up in a South American rainforest. Do I just lay there with the snakes and parasites and let myself die while trying to figure out why or how I got there, or do I laugh my ass off, from something so impossible happening. Then make my shirt into a hat, probably get over the fear of drinking my own piss and start a trek. Depending on perspective either trekking through a wonderful unique habitat that I would of never discovered in my normal life, or a drag myself in a place of death and suffering. It’s my choice and I decided to appreciate the opportunity to peak behind the curtain and travel into the world of chronic illness.
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What should I do? I’m infinitely curious and modify the world around me every day, just to find the hidden knowledge saturated in every experience. I also have to live off of $13,000 a year. That is not a lot of income for adventures, especially when trying to figure out all the medication, travel, and lifestyle costs of a new life. Not to mention naturopathic solutions which will pretty much take your gold teeth as payment. Well like any problem I used to face, I’ll be at the skate park! My bike will always be my vice. But this time I can’t bike and runaway because my body is broken as fuck. Well I will just drive my cars but can’t afford gas or parts. Damn least I can just hang with friends, wait I’m shitting 50 times a day. That doesn’t create a fun atmosphere. So I fucking watched movies, painted and distracted myself from my problems and did that until I realized it’s time to take back my life. This is my one life. if I die and show up in the casket without at least one shark bite scar and a missing limb, I failed. Fuck perfect skin and easy lifestyle. I’m here to grab life by the dick and suck it, not act like its degrading and be scared of what might happen, time to find out what happens.
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My bucket list is probably and interesting one, but it’s more of a “to do list” that gets done. I had a lot of these goals before I was challenged and I would have put them off and never pursued them like most people. Just figured to myself “oh next year” or wait for the “prefect time”. There is never a perfect time in life. Want to write a book? Start to write. Want to restore a car? Go buy a piece of shit corolla. Want to build your own house? Why buy a half a million dollar one first? Go cut down some logs, or my personal favorite want to build a company from ground up? START!
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I have a lot of hobbies. Cars and bikes are constant passions of life, but almost every other pastime, fact, or experience that fits my moral code and will help me grow; I jump on like a trampoline. I have found it is easier when you have a group or common theme to create things with. Painting or cars design or media, if you have at least a basic common feel it’s much easier to let yourself run free with imagination, freedom of thought, and modify it your way. So Rii (pronounced rye) is that common theme and outlet for my artisan, skill building lifestyle. I feel the world is so focused on being products perfect, mass produced and technology driven. That is beautiful and has helped our world %4000 percent (I did the math) but nothing in life is absolute. Life needs balance, every step of modern society and product development kills the spirit and steers further away from the original goal by being less personal cheaper and more efficient . There is an exception to every rule. Rii is that exception. I want to see the brush strokes, forge damage, hammer marks and feel the soul of the person who created this object with passion, so that’s what I will create. Every company is created to make money? Nope, Rii started as a signature and an outlet. Just as there is balance, I guess shit has to at least support itself and that’s my goal. Many people create handmade things, then try to pay themselves shop rate by the hour. Yeah…your sculpture is cool and took you 5 weeks to make, but it was your expression that created it and your joy. It might be worth 1 million to you or 2 million to a very confused superficial business man, but to the people who would enjoy and appreciate it most. It’s probably best to just call the price “materials and enough for to save for your next blank canvas or mound of clay”. I want every penny to create the next project and roll it and roll it. Until I can support other people trying to express themselves, or collaborate with talent that might never make it, or be able to take their passion as a priority in life. Fuck money, I have experienced enough to know, power is being able to defend what you have and money is your defense in this world. I will use money like it uses me and that’s the end. Money is the means to get what I want, never the goal. Want to trade something? I’m down!
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If you read this far, go and like this post and comment! It helps me so much to get feedback, even if you never comment, just do it, I won’t bite and I hardly get feedback. At the end of this I didn’t really answer anything, just wrote. I will give you a summary and definition of what Rii is. Rii is unique one-off or limited production handmade products. Everything will always be imperfect and have character or soul. Rust is just as good of a paintjob as metallic paint, and I use both. I experiment and improve with every try while finding what is marketable and what is not. Everyone says “Wow that painting is so good, someone would pay so much for it!” really? Because someone else isn’t the one looking at it so how much is it worth to you, probably nothing. So I must find what people need or want from my never ending adventures. The image of the brand is open book, honest, but still always about the things I think are cool to me…like street art, it’s beautiful, someone risked their ass to create it just to get destroyed, but they did it anyways, it was a real passion that drove graffiti. I will create that feel without the violent and hard-core lifestyle attached more of a lifestyle of doing whatever you want as long as it’s a passion and not wack. Some passions appeal to me more than others, I like the kid that made the sacrifice and got his muscle car, not the one who modified the family car. I appreciate both for sure, but the true exceptional passion shows in the muscle car. It’s easy to try to please everyone and become cheesy or outdated and lost. I know what I want, like, and I change with the wind. People can deal with it. It won’t be about making money. Rii is myself and I hope what I create can be appreciated or identified with, and make other people either chase theirs or just realize that some people do. I waited to post like this because I wanted to already produce things and collaborate with people and I have. These are not empty words or promises, just my goal and what I’m doing, whether you decide to watch it happen and get involved or not. You may ask, well what do you actually make? The beauty of it is I have no business plan, business mentality, or definition to restrict myself. What I’m doing this summer is; media, art, décor, vehicle body parts for Japanese drift style cars, stickers and some clothing. Who knows what it will be by winter. Rii is my passion for life, I hope it can inspire some in yours whether your life is already filled with passion or empty. I will always try to support what I see as important. If you feel the same way, support it. This is right in front of you, your choice to see is as another snake, or see it as the rainforest it is.

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Independence Day.

Independence Day.
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4 paragraphs are all I will allow myself to write today, even though a novel wants to spill out. Since my last article I have had a major divergence in plan, after building new relationships with no expectations, I wanted to take a look at the hidden attraction and social games everyone plays.  The games mask their insecurities about what they want and how they will be perceived, or for some create interest and pursuit (although these are very early guesses, due to the divergence in plan). I over estimated my ability to stay emotional neutral, 7 beautiful women (inside and out) pulled me in ways I naively never expected and greatly underestimated. Although my social life has never, and will never, be about the article I’m writing that is the excuse I use to put myself out there, take chances but also the shield I use to overcome my aversions. It was easy to approach new people when I didn’t know what I wanted and didn’t care, but half way through I discovered what I wanted and it was very different than what I had imagined I would.

I became lonely. I became frustrated that I had become lonely. I was having amazing times, with amazing people at great events and all these things I know I love. Yet at night when I laid in bed I felt that when I didn’t attract someone, the night was a failure. I felt it was noble and proper to not feel lonely and to not want to embrace someone. I’m so tough, I’m so independent, I don’t need to pursue anyone, and they will eventually come. Why did I feel discomfort by being lonely? I have been taught that if you are lonely that means you are not independent, you are not strong, you have something wrong with you, and have undesirable traits. Nothing is further from the truth, I will be fine by myself and I feel my moral code keeps me ever bettering myself and fixing the traits I dislike. I’m lonely because I cannot share. I want to bring someone into close proximity of my life and share all the things I discover and also hear about the things they discover as we grow together in the same direction. All while sharing inhabitations, weaknesses, and the silly day to day achievements. My friends no matter how close will not give a shit if I found a fossil on the train tracks or finally figured out how to make a great Caesar salad. I can share those things with them but it doesn’t have the same interest and inviting feelings it would if you heard if from someone you loved in an intimate way. I would be so excited to hear about a girlfriend’s shitty day at work and problem solve the complex social problems of a career or just hear them worry about the future. I care very dearly about my friends and their problems but if they tell me they have a hang nail and it sucks, I’m probably going to forcefully take their hand and rip it off and laugh while saying I fixed it, not hold them and gently remove it while wanting them to feel as safe as possible. I value the love and bonds that are built in a relationship. I don’t need one. I will be fine and live my life to its fullest, but wanting to share and share in the ultimate way is something I truly find amazing about my existence.

So, I’m lonely and surround by girls what should I do?  I did what you are not supposed to do, I told them. Not that I was just lonely but that this is the way I felt, maybe not about them but if they felt they had the same goals maybe we could build something, I left flirting, manipulation and physical contact out of the equation, it made me realize two very important and unsettling things. First of all people don’t do what I’m doing because if you are 100% honest and open yourself up to everyone it makes you very vulnerable (a feeling I had not experienced in a very, very long time. Maybe 7 years) and when you truly show yourself and someone doesn’t like it or isn’t attracted by it, holy shit. I know I’m doing what is right for me, but damn that will make you take a second look at yourself, however irrational it may be. The second and maybe the most depressing thing I have ever discovered (I really hope it is just a social lie and not the truth) is that almost every woman I connected with, was able to open up, share true friendship and feelings with. When they opened up, they were heartbroken inside, out of 7 girls, 5 were emotionally unavailable, due to the hurt that the past had caused them, that’s messed up. I hope they were just trying to be nice to me and politely say they were not interested, but I owe them more respect than that. I just don’t want to think every woman has a broken heart, because the innocence and purity of a naive women is one of the most precious and beautiful things to see in the world. Just to think someone could live a life where they didn’t have to see the brutality of the world I see, or worry about the destruction of their inner self when loving someone else is rare and so amazing. I just don’t want to accept it is as rare as I’m finding after I started digging. Not to say for a second these strong gorgeous women will always be hurt or emotionally unavailable, or even that the next guy they catch the attention of won’t be able to over step those obstacles and build the trust to heal a heart or forget about the past, but for right now that is what I found in my relationships with them. I need to be friends with these people just like I had originally planned, it was unfair for me to change but goals on them, I had to back off one friendship because the attraction was too much for me to handle, for someone who didn’t feel the same way about me. The pressure I would of put on them would have been unfair to both of us, and so I told them just like that and they agreed and it is great. Neither of us will have to have negative influences in our lives because we feel we need to continue a misguided friendship. One more friendship I had realization I was projecting my own goals onto our relationship and ignoring theirs, they didn’t contact people regularly, didn’t open up to people and didn’t have the time too, I ignored that and tried to contact them lots, create plans, and pry them open…then I had the fucking nerve to get mad at them when they didn’t, and I felt un-prioritized and ignored. That took some serious self-examination and critical thinking to discover that’s what I was doing, she had no clue that’s why I felt at ends with her but I was able to realize it explain it to her and now I will have a much healthier friendship because I was able to find in myself that I was being selfish and ignoring someone else’s needs for my own goals. I added a 8th relationship in which I wanted to pursue a intimate relationship however unique it would have to be to work, and it was very easy to take the steps to let that be known because I didn’t feel I had changed my priorities and needs with them, but their strong spirit needs to roam and I understand that, so it will grow into a great friendship and maybe another day with lead to more but neither of us will wait for that, the paths we choose for ourselves will decide that in our futures.

where do I go from here? I want dearly to just get on my bike, forget about the world and just express my true passion, or just weld some metal up, set the jets on carburetor, and floor a car into the sunset, but life doesn’t let you take the easy way and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I broke my hand. No pursuit of extremes for me this summer, but I was stuck this way for the last 4 years and this time it was my own actions that broke my hand not an auto immune disease. I’m ok with that. I love life so much that I will find ways to be happy and maybe this winter is the winter I don’t have one! California sound good anyone? So I will look at this problem of loneliness just like a BMX trick or a painting, it won’t work the 1st, 2nd or 58th try but if I keep on analyzing and working it, don’t give up, keep myself honest, open and un-manipulative, I will find the true beauty I’m looking for and that I know I deserve. So off to confuse myself with even more and bigger problems, anyone want to go for coffee?