4 paragraphs are all I will allow myself to write today, even though a novel wants to spill out. Since my last article I have had a major divergence in plan, after building new relationships with no expectations, I wanted to take a look at the hidden attraction and social games everyone plays. The games mask their insecurities about what they want and how they will be perceived, or for some create interest and pursuit (although these are very early guesses, due to the divergence in plan). I over estimated my ability to stay emotional neutral, 7 beautiful women (inside and out) pulled me in ways I naively never expected and greatly underestimated. Although my social life has never, and will never, be about the article I’m writing that is the excuse I use to put myself out there, take chances but also the shield I use to overcome my aversions. It was easy to approach new people when I didn’t know what I wanted and didn’t care, but half way through I discovered what I wanted and it was very different than what I had imagined I would.
I became lonely. I became frustrated that I had become lonely. I was having amazing times, with amazing people at great events and all these things I know I love. Yet at night when I laid in bed I felt that when I didn’t attract someone, the night was a failure. I felt it was noble and proper to not feel lonely and to not want to embrace someone. I’m so tough, I’m so independent, I don’t need to pursue anyone, and they will eventually come. Why did I feel discomfort by being lonely? I have been taught that if you are lonely that means you are not independent, you are not strong, you have something wrong with you, and have undesirable traits. Nothing is further from the truth, I will be fine by myself and I feel my moral code keeps me ever bettering myself and fixing the traits I dislike. I’m lonely because I cannot share. I want to bring someone into close proximity of my life and share all the things I discover and also hear about the things they discover as we grow together in the same direction. All while sharing inhabitations, weaknesses, and the silly day to day achievements. My friends no matter how close will not give a shit if I found a fossil on the train tracks or finally figured out how to make a great Caesar salad. I can share those things with them but it doesn’t have the same interest and inviting feelings it would if you heard if from someone you loved in an intimate way. I would be so excited to hear about a girlfriend’s shitty day at work and problem solve the complex social problems of a career or just hear them worry about the future. I care very dearly about my friends and their problems but if they tell me they have a hang nail and it sucks, I’m probably going to forcefully take their hand and rip it off and laugh while saying I fixed it, not hold them and gently remove it while wanting them to feel as safe as possible. I value the love and bonds that are built in a relationship. I don’t need one. I will be fine and live my life to its fullest, but wanting to share and share in the ultimate way is something I truly find amazing about my existence.
So, I’m lonely and surround by girls what should I do? I did what you are not supposed to do, I told them. Not that I was just lonely but that this is the way I felt, maybe not about them but if they felt they had the same goals maybe we could build something, I left flirting, manipulation and physical contact out of the equation, it made me realize two very important and unsettling things. First of all people don’t do what I’m doing because if you are 100% honest and open yourself up to everyone it makes you very vulnerable (a feeling I had not experienced in a very, very long time. Maybe 7 years) and when you truly show yourself and someone doesn’t like it or isn’t attracted by it, holy shit. I know I’m doing what is right for me, but damn that will make you take a second look at yourself, however irrational it may be. The second and maybe the most depressing thing I have ever discovered (I really hope it is just a social lie and not the truth) is that almost every woman I connected with, was able to open up, share true friendship and feelings with. When they opened up, they were heartbroken inside, out of 7 girls, 5 were emotionally unavailable, due to the hurt that the past had caused them, that’s messed up. I hope they were just trying to be nice to me and politely say they were not interested, but I owe them more respect than that. I just don’t want to think every woman has a broken heart, because the innocence and purity of a naive women is one of the most precious and beautiful things to see in the world. Just to think someone could live a life where they didn’t have to see the brutality of the world I see, or worry about the destruction of their inner self when loving someone else is rare and so amazing. I just don’t want to accept it is as rare as I’m finding after I started digging. Not to say for a second these strong gorgeous women will always be hurt or emotionally unavailable, or even that the next guy they catch the attention of won’t be able to over step those obstacles and build the trust to heal a heart or forget about the past, but for right now that is what I found in my relationships with them. I need to be friends with these people just like I had originally planned, it was unfair for me to change but goals on them, I had to back off one friendship because the attraction was too much for me to handle, for someone who didn’t feel the same way about me. The pressure I would of put on them would have been unfair to both of us, and so I told them just like that and they agreed and it is great. Neither of us will have to have negative influences in our lives because we feel we need to continue a misguided friendship. One more friendship I had realization I was projecting my own goals onto our relationship and ignoring theirs, they didn’t contact people regularly, didn’t open up to people and didn’t have the time too, I ignored that and tried to contact them lots, create plans, and pry them open…then I had the fucking nerve to get mad at them when they didn’t, and I felt un-prioritized and ignored. That took some serious self-examination and critical thinking to discover that’s what I was doing, she had no clue that’s why I felt at ends with her but I was able to realize it explain it to her and now I will have a much healthier friendship because I was able to find in myself that I was being selfish and ignoring someone else’s needs for my own goals. I added a 8th relationship in which I wanted to pursue a intimate relationship however unique it would have to be to work, and it was very easy to take the steps to let that be known because I didn’t feel I had changed my priorities and needs with them, but their strong spirit needs to roam and I understand that, so it will grow into a great friendship and maybe another day with lead to more but neither of us will wait for that, the paths we choose for ourselves will decide that in our futures.
where do I go from here? I want dearly to just get on my bike, forget about the world and just express my true passion, or just weld some metal up, set the jets on carburetor, and floor a car into the sunset, but life doesn’t let you take the easy way and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I broke my hand. No pursuit of extremes for me this summer, but I was stuck this way for the last 4 years and this time it was my own actions that broke my hand not an auto immune disease. I’m ok with that. I love life so much that I will find ways to be happy and maybe this winter is the winter I don’t have one! California sound good anyone? So I will look at this problem of loneliness just like a BMX trick or a painting, it won’t work the 1st, 2nd or 58th try but if I keep on analyzing and working it, don’t give up, keep myself honest, open and un-manipulative, I will find the true beauty I’m looking for and that I know I deserve. So off to confuse myself with even more and bigger problems, anyone want to go for coffee?