Well the last few weeks have been interesting. Went on an amazing trip to Kamloops with friends and shredded bikes on big dirt jumps, a new discipline for me. Ended up pulling my back out and rolling my ankle, among other small injuries, but the trip was amazing. The weather has really started to effect my health as well. Crohns disease is really taking a come back as well as seasonal depression. I’m hoping to find sponsorship to ride at Joyride 150 for November and rent a place in Markham for the month, but my body might not heal in time also finances are shit, motivation is also lacking. Although my life may seem full of fun, I work very hard to keep my health and defeat my disease everyday. It takes so much energy to get out of bed, let alone be active and push a body that does not function. I find my limits very quickly and my body gives out in injury very often, but I will take self caused injury over uncontrollable disease every day, and I do. It may look like my travel, cars and biking are all a dream come true but the reality is, doing things I have absolute passion for is the only way for me to continue fighting what goes on inside of me. The rush and freedom of a bike, the complication of a vehicle or the feeling of a new experience let me take a break for a small moment from what seems an eternity of struggle. I never wanted easy life or expected to need a break, pushing my limits makes me who I am. Life never goes to plan but the amount mine has strayed has been a blessing and a curse. Right now I’m reminded of the curse.
Alfa Romeo GTA
To me life is about balance, everything has it; dark and light, good and evil, spring and fall, happiness and sadness, also adventure and struggle. As much fun as things may look, the opposite and equal challenge is there as well. I would say for most people just the fear of hitting a 20ft jump on a kids bike, learning to fight every instinct, just on the insane runway of new terrain, would be enough of a mental challenge to balance out the adrenaline rush. Never mind to pull back for a flip, but put it on pause right as you pull to concentrate rotating the tail of the bike around, catching your feet back on the pedals, then continuing the flip, spotting your landing ,preparing, and touching down. For me doing a backflip tailwhip isn’t the hard part, its a challenge of course but it is enjoyment ,even with the crashes and pain.
I know I can be hurt more and be destroyed more by my own bodies functions. If I crash and break my leg at least I was the one to do it. I was in control and I made the wrong movement that resulted in the injury. The injury wont hurt even close to the amount I can handle and have experienced while laying in a hospital bed with my own immune system trying to obliterate my intestinal tract. The challange that balances out the biking for me is; the medication, the side effects, the food, the feelings inside, and the lack of energy. I have found if I throw enough raw humor, adrenaline and fears at those symptoms of challenge, those challenges momentarily disappear and that is why I live the way I do. Now even to me it seems so silly, I need to ride my bike all winter or be in a warm climate, not because I need a vacation but because my body literally wont let me keep my health in the winter. The winter is effecting my health exponentially with the lack of sun and temperature. It would be a dream to ride my bike in California everyday…yet it is not going to be a dream because if it set as a goal another goal will be chosen for me, the goal will to be to climb out of a bed a brush my teeth once every few days while hooked up to an i.v. and putting my family and friends through worry, pain and empathetic depression themselves watching helplessly as my body destroys itself.
620 Datsun truck
I’m going to try and keep trying until it works. I will never stop, Im just hoping the help I never ask for comes along soon. I’m not ready to monetize Rii and do not have the store of motivation to produce products yet, it will come when its time. Not put off because of laziness or lack of vision but because of lacking health, Something very hard to reveal and explain to someone healthy. Right now Im distracting myself and learning to use Photoshop, which has been amazing at distracting myself from the spiral of depression until my doctors can figure out a solution to restore balance in my mind. So enjoy a nice mtb, hardtail, and bmx edit from my trip, along with some of my recent photo shopped Rii cars.