I sucker punched myself. I was riding the high of the years events and trying to make it last forever. 13k does not last forever, especially well renting living spaces and juggling 10 vehicles. I think I was hoping for the white knight of sponsorship or the right people to contact and collaborate with me to continue riding bikes and building cool stuff. I spent the budgeted winter money on a whim and traveled to Toronto to compete in the first Dew Tour Am series. It was my “Hail Mary pass” thinking to myself “maybe things would all fall together” instead; I broke both wrists, spend a night on the streets, probably ruined one friendship and went as broke as I have been since I took financial responsibility. That is a extreme negative review of that trip but my impulsiveness ruined my winter plans/budget and has left me trying to distract myself 24/7 in a unfavorable environment while forcing myself day to day through depression and completely failed health.
I try not to be one who accepts my problems, I give everything I have to find solutions. I started sewing in hopes of being productive and becoming self supporting. Also increased my Photoshop skills to keep my dreams of fabricating bad ass machines from ripping my spirits to pieces. Worked on keeping my relationship good to give me support when I fail and collapse. In Turn; Material doesn’t sell, Photoshop fails to replicate a wrench and welder, and pretty girls cry. It takes a toll on my creative soul, but just as that makes me feel down and defeated, the toilet bowl fills with more blood, the depression creeps in, and the pain starts to stab, the anxiety kicks in and the actives keeping me alive cease to be possible. The world turns dark and even my own words fall upon deaf ears before they flick off my tongue.
Maybe the worst part besides my bowels falling out 20 times a day with the exhaustgen and anemia related, is the fact that I have the answers. I have been down here before and I know how to climb out. I just don’t want to, fuck I have the stories already wrote , I decide not to post. I have the videos edited, I decide not to upload. I give up before I even try and slowly let myself disappear into self pity as I play the role of my own worst enemy. Eventually I pull back enough of my layers with deep thought and realize I already know what everything looks like when I give up, time to see what it looks like when I succeed. I didn’t succeed this year but that doesn’t mean shit about next year. Time to kick that motor over and see if it turns, instead of accepting that it might be seized. Hell even if that motor is seized, I will rebuild that shit and build it stronger.
When I am down I often get stuck on the philosophical question of “What is the meaning of life, why do I even try”. I think I found the answer right for me…There is no meaning, I need to construct my own meaning and enjoy the journey it takes me on. I need to fail to succeed, I need to become dark to arise light, I need to give up so that I can become better. There is no sustained joy in a easy life, hell I don’t even have that option, nor want it. Dust yourself off, take a deep breath, hold on tight, and try that shit again! Just make sure you change something this try.