Back to the drawing board
I have held off on the blog part of Rii, for the better part of a year. Not by abstraction or negligence but for the purpose of not filling it with, for a lack of better term, the darker side of chronic disease. I have written many things with the potential to be posts, but when dealing with things like depression, anxiety, or life challenges, It is sometimes best to deal with those things internally before spreading it around in written word.
I already get embarrassed enough re-reading the old posts I prematurely posted before my mental state was flushed out. I also don’t need the attention or concern of people thinking I’m in trouble that I can’t handle, when in reality, I’m just sorting out my own thought through text . I do enjoy the old posts, in a certain way. Life is a roller coaster of uncertainty and change, it gets wild. When one can see what was going on inside one’s mind during a different stage in life it can be fun. Although through this last stage I decided to suspend the public journal.
The reality of physical restriction has been an absurdly tough problem to solve. At many stages of illness during the past 6 years I have felt the need to modify my entire outlook and approach to life and my approach to physicality. Unfortunately that hasn’t stopped. I keep chipping back my physical activity and goals, in hope of preservation and longevity. It hasn’t been enough. I will use BMX as the example as it is the most telling. It started with things like not doing drops to flat. Those hurt healthy people and even than it is just a satisfaction of being able to take the hit that is the reward. Then I restricted pursuing the competition style riding I enjoy most because the tricks do hurt even if executed properly. Then it moved on to things like taking off my pegs, because those encourage riding things like hand rails, with huge risk, or just dealing with the physical shock of metal/metal contact and no suspension to absorb the impact. After that I started padding up an insane amount, then reinforcing over top my pads. Sport braces on most parts of my body, until I look like a hockey player. But even then the prednisone induced paper skin and calcium depleted bones can no longer take any stress. The risk assessment at this point just says don’t do it! To even pedaling around aggressively.
I bike because I hold a large amount of personal worth in it and it is the base of my entire social circle also because I need to keep some sort of physical activity in my life, to slow the progression of bodily decay. The adrenaline is the only thing that makes dragging my body into physical activity worth it, I bike to stay healthier, yet it destroys my health…that math problem doesn’t make sense. I took apart the entire internal philosophy of what biking is to me and decided I value athleticism.
I do not get star struck, or fall under the idolization of many people. To me; the band wrote songs about feelings that they had, the movie star acted entertainingly. I absolutely appreciate the talent involved and the passion that produces such entertainment, but to put them above my social behaviour fails me. I don’t project my own envy onto them. Not to say I’m completely unaffected by celebrity, I will absolutely take a selfie with Tegan and Sara or Jay Leno but I feel that is more of a social bragging right, at least to me.
The person that has their entire house decked out in their favourite team and knows every stat is an important part of support for that team, but to me in equates the person that dresses up as their favourite hero at Comicon and knows every “fact” about their hero. I mean, it is such an important role of keeping those things going as entertainment and I don’t mean to bash people who support the things that entertain them. But to me by the time the person who builds scale models is finished their scale model car, they could probably have chopped and channelled an entire full sized 32 ford chassis and been half way to the real thing. The person who supports their team could probably coach a local team, the person who likes spider man could probably write their own comic. Maybe they do and I’m ignorant, but I value myself more than the thought of someone else’s achievements and it shows by not putting a proportionate value in celebrity.
A sole marathon athlete is probably the closest I come. The amount of respect I have for a long distant runner, swimmer, or biker is very high. There is no cheating that dedication, no negative thoughts, no giving up. Maybe it’s because I relate it to my journey, it’s not fun, but there is no time to doubt or making excuses, one keeps going and accepts responsibility for the things one doesn’t control like, the wind and elevation change, one acknowledges the challenge, puts it behind and keeps on pushing. That’s the shit to respect.
Don’t accept what others can do as the limit, don’t accept your limits as the pinnacle, nothing but progression and dedication. If one ran harder yesterday one would be even faster today. Accept one didn’t run the day before and keep going so one can be faster for the next day. Nothing but short challenges and self-discipline to finish the marathon. Seeing a top marathon athlete, that’s the person who didn’t make any excuses, that’s the person who fucking pushed it.
I have tried hard to be a person like that but I find my excuses of physical injury, sickness, energy, and motivation don’t hold the test of time. I haven’t given up but when I hit a wall of exhaustion where I should push through and run off my mental strength I have found my tendons and muscles decide to peace out and leave me broken for sometimes (like my inner pelvis) months. To try and replace biking with track and field I hit the same obstacle of physical injury. Also, maybe most importantly I don’t experience any adrenaline in between, or do anything visually entertaining for others.
Once realizing athleticism may not be an achievable goal as a pass time this point in life, I moved onto my next biggest enjoyment, cars! They say, once too old for extreme sports you get a roll cage. Roll cages cost money so that fell on its face as quick as it came into my mind; I have a couple cars and can’t afford to fix any of them without months of planning and frugal solutions. I can’t even afford horsepower, haha my race car has 160hp! Racing and crashing isn’t going to work.
So now I draw, I’m getting better and it helps me in the way sports do mentally, I won’t give up on physicality but the restrictions keep tightening and biking has become a chore that is done out of principal. Landing tricks hurt, trying tricks hurt, skate parks don’t have nice bathrooms, taking the mental hit of underperforming is hurtful on the ego of one’s own ability and a reality check of my personal digression and the progression of my own disease. I do it but only when I can find enjoyment from the act and not as something I push myself for.
Cars will be done in the same way, I’m not going to push my budget but if I can afford it I will and I don’t need so many projects.
Art I guess will be my next adventure. Draw cool things because I enjoy it not because I have to, or because I see a monetary gain in it….just draw and dream. Until the day I have the health and resources and can build upon things instead. If it never comes that is something I have to accept. I feel cornered but I alone have the choice of how I deal with this corner and to find the solutions that elude me. This is why I haven’t posted much lately, this challenge of accepting my fleeting physicality has pushed me to a point passed communicating while problem solving, it still comes out with a tint of darkness when just explaining my situation with a concentration on being positive. But fuck it I need writing to go along with these new pictures! Enjoy!